And I will!
June 10, 2014
Belief can be a tricky thing! It can send your bags packing or flown to the wind in the wreckage of LIFE if left to the winds we encounter as humans on this journey of ours. What belief entails, I feel, is a story that is wrapped up in hope and faith. So here are some thoughts as I ponder my cancer protocol for the future and rolled into surgery to make the toughest decision I have ever made in my life! Will and want can not always coexist. Today– I WILL remember that greenies are new at things. When you’re “green”, you may have not experienced a situation and look puzzled, bewildered and hope you look confident and heroic as you pursue the wild blue yonder’!?! Faking it can work for a while, but soon, belief has to take over and create patterns that will help us make hard choices when they arise.
Prepped for surgery, I offended my surgeon, as I was prepping for surgery, “I feel it very unequal that we can monitor penal cancer, testicular cancer and prostate cancer, but we cannot MONITOR ductal carcinoma insitu and ovarian cancer and other sneaky cancers that plague women…… Where is there justice in that, and where does all that 35-years+ of STUDY and MONEY go? ”
So wise, he simply looked at me and said, “Cancer is not gender specific Mrs. McDonald”. Off he went waiting to meet me in the operating room. He is one of the best in the valley of the sun and I am grateful to him– despite my offense going in. The apology letter is in the mail doctor!
He is right- cancer is not not gender or age specific. However, billions of dollars have been put into what research? Ways to treat, rather than finding solutions that lay outside the box such as markers, blood and cell samples— new types of imaging? Really??? Confused, crying, cross, annoyed and sad for the millions of lives changed forever– for what? My heart broke for those who did not survive. My mother, my father, grandmother, aunts and uncles. Where are those dollars being put for cancer research? My mind whirred as I was rolled into surgery for a double mastectomy because I am 43, not 60 and chose rather than to hedge my bets, I chose to live without fear. Essentially, I was going to be better off to get this over with rather than waiting, hoping and wondering for the next 50-years “what if”? We have FIVE beautiful children who awaited my recovery. Waiting to hug me, hold me, have me pick them up, twirl them, run, play and be here. Present as a mother. And I will …… believe in LIFE, love and the pursuit of happiness. And…. I WILL choose!